Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I have been here in Oregon for a month...

I came to Oregon to find work, and search for freedom. Instead, I've found more oppression in Northern Oregon than in Sacramento. I had no plans on meeting anyone here, but it turned out that my high school sweetheart, Toni Bifano, was in the Portland Area. I found her name on an online reunion site, but since I wasn't a member of the site, I couldn't exactly get her email address. Anyway, I composed an email to send to her explaining why I had to break up with her in 1985, and how sorry I was about the whole affair. I also wanted her to know how much I suffered because of that break up, and how I went on a 25 year long binge of self-destruction. I really did! I tried to get myself killed on several occasions, but someone upstairs wouldn't let me. I was told in 1985 by my aunt that I'd find her again, but I would have to get myself ready for her. It took me 8 months to finally send the message to her, plus I had to find her email address. I finally emailed her, and she didn't hate me (this is something that I had expected, her to hate me...), in fact, she forgave me for what happened. She said that life was too short to hold a grudge. This opened the door to further conversation between us. I had thought about coming to Oregon for work before, but knowing that she was here made it worth while. I had no intention of breaking up her relationship, only breaking up my relationship with my wife. I got tired of being ignored by my wife. Unfortunately, her ex took it upon himself to misinterpret my messages to Toni. I would tell her that I loved her (remember, she was the love of my life...I can't exactly turn that off, now can I?), and that I would always have feelings toward her. I told her that I would settle for her friendship instead, stating that I, at least would be back in her life...whatever, he ended up throwing Toni out, thus freeing her up to allow me to pursue her. He even went as far as saying that I was preying on a married man's woman. I got mad at him, suggesting that he was the true predator, preying on a single mom that was lonely while inside a chat room. Whatever, what's done is done. Because of the choices I've made, my ex hates me now, choosing not to talk to me ever. I'm not worried about this because I told her long ago, that if I ever found Toni again, her and I were done. I told her how I felt about Toni, and how she was the love of my life. I told my ex how Toni and I were friends before becoming a couple, and how I was forced to break up with her. Elena didn't want to know about it, choosing to take a path that would lead to the end of our relationship. Well, the end came on the 15th of April, when I reunited with my one true love. I held her tight, told her that I was sorry for all the shit I gave her...again, she forgave me; no more regrets... Since the 15th, things haven't been easy, but then again, when has anything worth having ever been easy? Instead of hating myself for so long, I should have found her much earlier, and spent all that time loving her. Now, I'm 41, and I have no idea how much time I have left on this planet, but I'm going to make the best of it. I'm going to spend the rest of my time on Earth loving her; something that I should have been allowed to do since 1985. If that had happened, we'd have been spared all the bullshit that we had to endure this past 25 years. You can call me crazy for pining away for her, but I say to you that unless you've walked in my shoes, and had the kind of love that I had for her, shut the hell up!!!

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