Last night, I felt a little sarcastic, and decided to write a letter to a mythical president, in a mythical country... Here it is:
To: I.B. Zurückgeblieben
President of the Republic of Fucktardia
Greetings Mr. President,
I hope that all is well within the borders of your fine republic. They must be, if you're there, and not here! I must say, that I've visited your fine nation several times whilst under the influence of several mind altering chemicals, and I still preferred it here in my good ol' US of A! Yes, I know, I've heard you rail on about the perceived injustices in this country. I have to agree with you, there are injustices, but those injustices that cite were caused by your allies in the Democrat party...
Mr. President, I know how much you admire our capitalist system... you admire it so much, you've sent your intelligence operatives here to disrupt it! I've personally seen them infiltrate our private sector employers, and have gained employment within the various financial houses within this nation. I've also seen how they've manipulated the futures markets, the bond markets, as well as the stock market... all to benefit you, and your allies within the Democrat Party. I've seen how your operatives have also manipulated the real estate market; man, you must be rolling in the dough after that fiasco!
I also have seen what you've been doing to our so called forth estate! I've seen your operatives at work there as well, writing stories that discredit America, and apologise for American exceptionalism, and our rugged individualism. I bet, that it bugs you to no end, that America has survived so long, and hasn't collapsed under the weight of our tyrannical capitalist system!!! I know you think we're nothing more than colonialists or imperialists, but nothing could be further from the truth! From what I've seen during my previous visits to your nation, you prefer a Marxist form of government, one where the dictatorship of the proletariat has been replaced by the intelligentsia elite. I know that you value and stress conformity, and I know how you prefer the collectivist mindset, with you in charge, of course!
The sad thing is, that all these regimes end up collapsing under their own weight! Take Romania for example... It was a nation, similar to your own, but with more restrictions on freedom (I know how much you hate freedom, Mr. President, but I know you value your position as President for Life... so, you tolerate some freedoms...). In the end Ceausescu, the dictator of Romania, was executed! A similar fate befell East Germany, except that the East Germans didn't execute their leader, Erich Honecker... I believe he fled to Chile in exile. But, I know you, Mr. President... you, you're a survivor, and you'll do anything, say anything... all to retain power!
I believe, that the Republic of Fucktardia is well-served by you, Mr. President... but, could you do this American an favour? Could you cease and desist your intelligence operations here? I only ask, because you really don't want me coming back to your country, do you? I mean, think about what I could do to your nation, by simply exposing the citizens of your fine nation to a little American culture? You've spent your entire political career demonising America as a decadent perversion, or an example of what happens when the revolution fails! See, here's the thing; our revolution didn't fail... it succeeded! In fact, it continues to succeed, in spite of your intelligence operations within my nation! In fact, in spite of the successes of your intelligence operations, you now realise that you're losing ground to the American Revolution, and now you fear that all you've worked so hard to undo, is about to undo all you've worked so hard for!!! So, with that said, it's a small favour to ask. Can you help a guy out with this?
Anyway Mr. President, I will write again, because I'm well-aware of the fact that your nation has censored the internet, and the media, but surprisingly... not the mail! I'd send you a message via email, but your secret police would intercept it, and consider it to be subversive! I wouldn't want that, and I'm sure you really want to continue the correspondence with a Real American! So, have a great day, and try not to get yourself overthrown... eventually, all good things must end!
Aaron M. Freeman